Thursday, October 22, 2009

I'm Just About Done......

At what point is enough, enough? When is it okay for me to leave? I know only I can decide that, but seriously... I can't take much more. Today I caught whatever little stomach bug my oldest daughter had, and I was vomiting. It only happened twice, but it still happened. I layed Madisyn down for a nap, and fell asleep myself. My husband came home and layed down with me.
About an hour later, I woke up. I had to run to the PX to get body wash for myself and Megan. I could hear Madisyn in her crib, awake. Not crying, though I knew it wouldn't be long before she started crying. So I asked my husband to wake up so he could get her up, and change her.
So he starts screaming at me about "why do you get a nap and you won't let me take one?" Let me explain something, as tired as I get throughout the day.. A nap is a rareity for me. I only took one today because I had been vomiting, and I thought if I slept a little that I would feel a bit better. He tells me that I don't care about him and the fact that he has to get up and be out of the house by 0600. The truth is, I do. I do care. I do care that he is tired at the end of the day, but his job as a dad doesn't end because he is tired. When he gets home from work, he still has another job. It's not my fault, it's just the way it is. I am a mom 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. With no break. None. And that's okay with me. I try to have the house clean by the time he gets home on Fridays so we don't have to clean over the weekend. I want him to relax, as much as he can, I want him to relax. I asked for help today because I was sick. No other reason, but because I was
 sick. He has yet to ask me how I am feeling. Whatever. I can't take much more. I do deserve better than this. He is not the same caring, loving person I married. I don't know what happened to him, although I am sure whatever it is is all my fault. His misery is my fault. I hear that one pretty frequently, actually. Nothing helps your self estem like hearing that your husband is completely miserable because of you.
Let me explain that one a little more. I "forced" him to re-enlist. At the time, I was focused on security and stability for my children, not to mention health insurance. Kinda goes hand in hand with being a mom 24/365. Anyway, I did offer a compromise, but he seems to have forgotten that because it suits him. Whatever. I don't know what to do. I can't take much more being put down and belittled. Being blamed for the misery in his life. Being told that I don't care about him and his feelings. I can't take it. I really shoudln't have to. I should be aloowed to have my thoughts and feelings and be able to speak up without fear of retribution. Without being afraid of what awful thing he is going to say to me or call me next.
I do what I can for him. I can't do much more. I can't give much more. I am dead inside. I am cold and unfeeling, and I know it. I don't get butterflies anymore when he touches me. I don't feel safe anymore when he holds me. I feel liek we are roommates that share two kids.
I don't know what to do. I want to make it work. But for what? Is it really worth it? I don't know anymore. The times where I am happy to be his wife are coming too few and far between for my taste. I know that marriage is made up of peaks and valleys. But I have been in one continous valley since a little while after he got home in February.
As sick as it sounds, I was hoping that almost losing me in April would make him a little more grateful and appreciative of me. It didn't. It didn't do much of anything really. It brought me closer to my best friend  Amy, but as far as my husband. Nothing changed. I am still the same no good piece of shit he came home to eight months ago.
What do I do?? I am at a major crossroads, and I am having a hard time deciding which path to take. Do I stay and hope that things get better, or do I leave?? Do I leave the last ten years of my life in the dust and move on? Which is better for my kids?? Do I stay and let them think that a man treating them like this is okay, or do I go and they only know their dad by phone and in person a couple times a year?? The other side of that coin is I can stay and work things out and teach my girls that you never give up. He says he wants to work things out, but he doesn't change. He wants me to give him time. I have given him eight months. When is enough, enough? I wish I could have a sign, but then I wonder if I have been ignoring signs this whole time.
What do I do????

3 comments:

  1. I don't know if anyone can really tell you what to do - you need to do what you think is best for you, your husband and kiddos. The only thing I can suggest is counseling, working out the issues that happened when he came back and things changed. I hope you are able to come up with a good solution because no one deserves to be in a marriage where you feel like a roommate, unloved, not cared for and not valued. Feel better - Leene

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  2. I agree with the poster above. I cant tell you what to do.
    I am not married, so I have no experience. But I can only imagine what you are going through. Personally, I would try to work things out because marriage is a commitment for life, but then again, marriage takes TWO people, and it seems like YOU are giving and trying, and he is giving nothing. You will make the best decision for you and your family. Be Strong. :]

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  3. So, I certainly can't tell you what to do because you and only you live in your marriage, however, I can tell you this. The grass may not be greener on the other side, being a single mom is waaaay more difficult than marriage for the most part. Counseling can help. Alone time and dates will do wonders too! You deserve to be loved and adored as every person should. My advice would be....Be the best wife you can be...shower him with love and compliments. Give all the attention you want plus some. Even when you wanna be a bitch, bite your tongue and give him a kiss. If that doesn't give him the desire to be just as good to you, then at least you know you tried your hardest. Don't focus on the girls as much, you are married to him, not them. They are always gonna have their daddy. You do what you heart tells you to do. 10 years is worth fighting for!!! I am always here for you. You and Chris have a beautiful family and marriage is a rocky road...if you can clear the road, it's much easier. You don't have to forget the past, but forgive it. :) I wish you the best of luck with this situation.

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