Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A New Project

So, I have decided that I want more!!! I love my kids and my husband, and I love being able to stay home with them, but I want more!!!So, I have decided to become a PartyLite consultant. I am super excited about this, because I will be able to stay home with my babies, and make some extra money. I am not doing this to get rich by no means. I just want to feel like I am contributing more to the house. I am also excited about this business venture for another reason.... I will be working with my older sister. She is a consultant out in Tennessee, and she would be my sponsor. So I will be working kinda close with her, well as close as I can considering she is in another state. LOL This will help build a stronger relationship between me and my sister, who wouldn't be excited about that?
It is kind of funny how it all happened. I was supposed to be throwing a catalog party at my house for my sister. What that means is that I would get a bunch of my girlfriends together and have a party without my sister. But I recieved the stuff in the mail yesterday and started looking over it, and a light turned on........hello opportunity!!!!!! So I called Rachel (my sister) and told her that I was interested, and that was it. I will be getting set up in the next few days, so I will keep you all posted. I would love some support, and online orders..hehehe. I will post all my info and website stuff in the next few days so you guys can be looking for that!!!!
Well, that is all I got for now, but it is only 9 a.m., and I have an assload of errands to run today. In the rain. With a toddler. Something tells me, this won't be my last post for the day. :)


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Monday, October 26, 2009

WTF?????

It's almost 3 am, and I am still awake. Ugh, I really don't know why. I just can't get my mind to shut off long enough for me to go to sleep. But I need to, I have to get my baby up for school in the morning. Her daddy already said he would take her to school (my repayment for helping him with work stuff) so at least I don't have to leave my house and drive anywhere. I can just go straight back to bed, and sleep. Until Madisyn wakes up and my day starts again. Oh well, it looks like tomorrow will be one of those days that I will be saying "thank God for coffee."
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Sunday, October 25, 2009

Just Kinda Blah....

Tonight I had an amazing dinner (tacos) with the husband, my kiddos, and my best friend. Who I am sure by now, you all know is Amy over at The Undomestic Army Wife . Anyway, we were hanging out chatting and what not and she hit me with this question.."When are we telling Megan that I am moving?"
BAMMMMMM.. Like a ton of bricks, there it is. The ugly side of the Army life rears it's ugly, ugly head. How do I tell my seven year old that the only other adult she is closest to (besides her daddy and I) is leaving? I can't. How is it that I can tell Megan that her daddy is going to Iraq......again, but I can't tell her that "Auntie Amy" is moving away? I think it is easier for me to tell Megan that her daddy is going to Iraq, because she knows it's his job. She knows that daddy is a soldier, and he protects her and everybody by doing his job. But how can I tell her that someone she loves sooooo much is moving away? She is a amazing little girl, and I am sure she will get it. I am just not looking forward to explaining it to her. My issue is (to be completely honest) that I can't explain it to her, because I have to explain it to myself first. I have to make myself understand that she is moving.
Now, I am not new to this whole Army thing. I have been doing it for eight years. I know about saying goodbye, I have done it a million times over. But this hurts. This hurts worse than saying goodbye to my parents when I moved to Germany. This hurts just as bad as saying goodbye to my husband when I put him on a bus for 12 to 15 months.
She is the closest person to me, besides my husband. She is the closest person to Megan besides her daddy and I. She is Madisyn's God mother. How the hell do you say goodbye to someone that instrumental in your life? I cried in front of her about it tonight. I didn't mean to, and I will try very hard to keep it from ever happenig again, but it just came. Like someone broke the dam, it came. And it sucked. I am over the moon excited for her. Germany is an amazing expierence that I feel everyone in the military should have. Her and her husband have been talking about Germany for as long as I have known them. Mat has been there before, and everytime him and I will get on a conversation about Germany, his face lights up like a kid at Christmas. I am excited that he gets to go back, and this time take my best friend along for the ride. I can't wait for her to expierence everything Germany has to offer, and then call me and tell me all about it.
We decided that she will tell Megan. She is gonna pick her up from school later this week , and talk to her about it. I know that this is in no way the end, that Amy will always be there for my kids and I. I wil always be there for her. In fact, I am gonna get my passport updated because I will be going to visit her at least once while she is there. And when there is an addition to their clan, I will be there for that too.
Psssh..she is my best friend. There is no way in hell I am gonna let a little thing like an ocean get int he way of that. LOL

Friday, October 23, 2009

So.... A Quick Apology...

I just wanted to take a second to apologize. My blogs have been really crabby and bitchy as of late. I am truly sorry for that. I joined on blogger to meet other women (be them Army Wives or not) and share life expierences. And lately, all I have done is be a downer. I am sorry. Thank you for the comments and support on my last blog. We are gonna try and work things out, but I am almost at the end of my rope.
So anyway, here I am. I am an Army wife, I have been for almost eight years. I have been through three deployments, getting ready for my fourth. I have two amazing kids that light up my entire universe.I have expierence, knowledge, and memories to share. If you have questions or want to know something about me, just ask. I am a pretty open book when it comes to my life. And I promise, if you can stand to bear with me through the downer posts, I will make sure to try and post more upbeat, less bitchy posts.Unfortunately, with me, you must take the bad with the good. 
Thanks again for the continued support. I greatly appreciate it.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I'm Just About Done......

At what point is enough, enough? When is it okay for me to leave? I know only I can decide that, but seriously... I can't take much more. Today I caught whatever little stomach bug my oldest daughter had, and I was vomiting. It only happened twice, but it still happened. I layed Madisyn down for a nap, and fell asleep myself. My husband came home and layed down with me.
About an hour later, I woke up. I had to run to the PX to get body wash for myself and Megan. I could hear Madisyn in her crib, awake. Not crying, though I knew it wouldn't be long before she started crying. So I asked my husband to wake up so he could get her up, and change her.
So he starts screaming at me about "why do you get a nap and you won't let me take one?" Let me explain something, as tired as I get throughout the day.. A nap is a rareity for me. I only took one today because I had been vomiting, and I thought if I slept a little that I would feel a bit better. He tells me that I don't care about him and the fact that he has to get up and be out of the house by 0600. The truth is, I do. I do care. I do care that he is tired at the end of the day, but his job as a dad doesn't end because he is tired. When he gets home from work, he still has another job. It's not my fault, it's just the way it is. I am a mom 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. With no break. None. And that's okay with me. I try to have the house clean by the time he gets home on Fridays so we don't have to clean over the weekend. I want him to relax, as much as he can, I want him to relax. I asked for help today because I was sick. No other reason, but because I was
 sick. He has yet to ask me how I am feeling. Whatever. I can't take much more. I do deserve better than this. He is not the same caring, loving person I married. I don't know what happened to him, although I am sure whatever it is is all my fault. His misery is my fault. I hear that one pretty frequently, actually. Nothing helps your self estem like hearing that your husband is completely miserable because of you.
Let me explain that one a little more. I "forced" him to re-enlist. At the time, I was focused on security and stability for my children, not to mention health insurance. Kinda goes hand in hand with being a mom 24/365. Anyway, I did offer a compromise, but he seems to have forgotten that because it suits him. Whatever. I don't know what to do. I can't take much more being put down and belittled. Being blamed for the misery in his life. Being told that I don't care about him and his feelings. I can't take it. I really shoudln't have to. I should be aloowed to have my thoughts and feelings and be able to speak up without fear of retribution. Without being afraid of what awful thing he is going to say to me or call me next.
I do what I can for him. I can't do much more. I can't give much more. I am dead inside. I am cold and unfeeling, and I know it. I don't get butterflies anymore when he touches me. I don't feel safe anymore when he holds me. I feel liek we are roommates that share two kids.
I don't know what to do. I want to make it work. But for what? Is it really worth it? I don't know anymore. The times where I am happy to be his wife are coming too few and far between for my taste. I know that marriage is made up of peaks and valleys. But I have been in one continous valley since a little while after he got home in February.
As sick as it sounds, I was hoping that almost losing me in April would make him a little more grateful and appreciative of me. It didn't. It didn't do much of anything really. It brought me closer to my best friend  Amy, but as far as my husband. Nothing changed. I am still the same no good piece of shit he came home to eight months ago.
What do I do?? I am at a major crossroads, and I am having a hard time deciding which path to take. Do I stay and hope that things get better, or do I leave?? Do I leave the last ten years of my life in the dust and move on? Which is better for my kids?? Do I stay and let them think that a man treating them like this is okay, or do I go and they only know their dad by phone and in person a couple times a year?? The other side of that coin is I can stay and work things out and teach my girls that you never give up. He says he wants to work things out, but he doesn't change. He wants me to give him time. I have given him eight months. When is enough, enough? I wish I could have a sign, but then I wonder if I have been ignoring signs this whole time.
What do I do????

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Double Standards

Okay before I start, let me explain something. I can't stand double standards, and I really can't stand people that have them.

My mother-in-law is the worst for this. When I got pregnant with my oldest daughter eight years ago, I was the biggest whore on the planet. Let me explain a little something here. I had been with Chris for a year and a half before I had gotten pregnant. We were together for almost eight months before even engaging in sexual intercourse. So in saying that, I just wonder how I can possibly be considered a whore. I wasn't trying to trap him either, which is another thing that I was accused of. I was making almost three thousand dollars a month with bonuses and everything (I was a telemarketer). He was making nothing, and living with her.....in a trailer when I got pregnant. So, there was little to no gold to be dug.
Anyway, she called me a whore, questioned the paternity of my child, and just generally made my life a living hell. In all honesty she still does. I can go on and on for days about what a miserable human being she is. And I am sure I will in the coming months, especially with my husband deploying soon. So stay tuned for that.
Anyway, back to the double standards.... My sister-in-law is a whole nother ball of wax. She has been lying to her mom about her sex life since she was 16. My mother-in-law is so completely dense it is ridiculous. So anyway, my SIL got pregnant with her first child three weeks into a relationship with some guy she barely knew. But guess what......for whatever reason...that doesn't make her a whore. I understand that that is her daughter and she would never think ill of her child...I do get that, but what if my SIL's boyfriend's mom called my SIL a whore or questioned the paternity of her kid, how would my MIL feel then??? Would it make her understand that no matter how much she apologizes to me I still hate her? Would a light suddenly come on as to why her son doesn't have much of a relationship with her anymore? Or why she will never see much of her grandchildren that I gave birth to? Probably not. I personally don't think my SIL is a whore, at all. To be perfectly honest, I adore her. I love her with everything I have. If it wasn't for her, I would not be with my  husband or have my kids. You see, I met my husband through her, she was my best friend when I was 17, and I thought he was the sweetest guys I had ever come in contact with. So, I have a lot to be thankful to her for, and I am. Let me be clear....my issues are in no way with my SIL, they are with her mother...point, blank, period.  
In my MIL's, my SIL can do no wrong. She is already pregnant with number 2, which is all fine and dandy. Congrats to her. My issue there is that my MIL is watching my niece for free, everyday. This irritates me because when I was in the hospital damn near dead, my husband asked her to stay an extra week to help out with the kids, (her and her hubby came to visit the day after I went into the hospital, before all my complicatins started) and she said we would have to pay for her ticket home. I personally think that if she can watch her other grandchild for free everyday, she has enough money to pay a ticket change fee to help her son out. The son who she is borderline obsessed with. Whatever, I am just really sick of the double standards. I am sick of my MIL thinking that just because she said sorry, that all should be forgiven and forgotten. NOT A SOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL!! 


What this boils down to is I HATE this woman. She is the world's worst person. So evil, and petty. She gets upset over the smallest thing, and yet thinks she does nothing wrong. UGH!!!!!!


Sorry about the ranting, but this really gets to me. She isn't perfect...her daughter isn't perfect, and regardless of what this woman thinks....She is NOT a good person.


Please bear with me on this particular subject, as I am sure this is far from the last post about her. Like I said it gets 1000 times worse when he is deployed.


Should be fun.





Monday, October 19, 2009

PICTURES!!!

As promised here are a few photos of Madisyn's birthday and dedication.




The whole group at my baby's dedication.




Madisyn and her God Father, Joey.




Madisyn and her beautiful God Mother, Amy.




My husband and I with our baby girl.




Opening her dedication gifts.



Birthday presents!!!




She loved her kitchen from mommy and daddy!!!



Cake Time!!



Mommy snagged a bite!!



Playing with mommy on the bouncer.



I love baby hugs!!!



Smiles for daddy!!!



That smile speaks straight to my heart. "I love you, mommy."




Sunday, October 18, 2009

YAY!!! I have followers!!!!

Thank you to everyone that has decided to start following me. MAybe now I will be more inspired to write. I know that in the coming months I will be writing alot more, not only getting ready for my husband's 4th deployment but also dealing with the other negative party to this thing we call the Army, saying goodbye to friends....In this case, my best friend. She is leaving me and going to Germany in four friggin' months. So needless to say, I am about to need some cheap therapy.
I can't promise I will post every day, but I can promise that when I do post it will be interesting. Yesterday we had Madisyn's second birthday party. I will post pictures of that, along with her dedication tomorrow....You have my word. For now though, I have some serious homework I need to get done. UGHHHHHH the frustrations of trying to obtain a degree when you have a husband and kids. I now know why people suggest you get your degree fresh out of high school. But of coursre, I have to do things the hard way. LOL
Anyway, thanks for reading and following. Now that I have more than one follower I will make a serious effort to post more often. Take care, and thank you again!!!!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Deployment #4......

Well my husband came home on Thursday and informed me that he will be leaving again mid next year. We have been preparing for it, so it isn't that shocking to me, it just feels so soon is all. Having done this three times before I am suprisingly okay with it. I just have to prepare myself emotionally, but even with that, I will be okay. He is my everything and i will miss him terribly, but oh well, what can you do?